The Missing Link

Woman Arrested For Masturbating With Jimmy Dean Sausage In Walmart Bathroom.

The male security guard says he knocked on the bathroom door several times but the woman did not respond. He then announced he was entering. What he found behind the door of the unlocked stall is something he said will “haunt his dreams forever.” The security guard reports when he entered the stall, Johnson was inappropriately pleasing herself with a Jimmy Dean package of sausage. He said that when he entered “She didn’t even stop. She just stared at me and kept going.”

Shocked, and also frightened for his safety due to the fact that Johnson is a “big girl,” the 140 pound security guard said he ran out until police arrived. When they did, female officers entered the restroom with Johnson still “putting in work with the sausage.”

Sausage is a social construct.


Fake story! Oh well. It was too funny not to take a chance on it being real.


    1. I can’t even imagine what sins you’d have to commit in life, to be reincarnated as a pig, ground into sausage, and then shoved into that niggerbeast’s twatfolds.


      1. Ewww. That man is scarred for life. He cannot experience an erection now that he has been so psychologically scarred. He may even be psychiatrically ill to the point that he can never experience the normal sex act with ANYONE, man or woman due to the PTSD. Whenever he is close to getting actually sexual with a woman, he begins to sweat as the memory returns in flashes. He tries with all his might and willpower to banish the sight that imprinted his mind like the first view of mother on a baby duck. He sees the sausage move – NO! NO! He turns away in horror NOOOO!. He thinks he might have got control of himself, and his girl is very concerned and has gone to get him a drink of water, when he suddenly scratches his own face violently screaming “Jimmy DEANNNNN! Jimmy DEAN” as he breaks down into sobs. But she comes running back and instead of drinking the glass of water, he throws it all over himself and then breaks the glass, cutting himself in a long line down the dorsum of his hands. Smearing the blood he begins to screech again loudly “MEAT CURTAINS!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!! And then he loses consciousness and flops down on the bed as she cradles him, trying to avoid the glass and shoving Xanax down his throat….. He will never be the same.


  1. Now8News is a fake news site that publishes bullshit stories. This is completely fake.

    {ed: Dammit. I figured there was a chance it was fake, but it was too funny to pass up.}


  2. Here in Knoxville they run tv ads with people saying their family likes to have sausage parties. I am not making this up.


  3. “All in all, it took 7 police officers to restrain Johnson and pry the victimized sausage out of the woman’s hands.”


  4. I couldn’t find a ”this site is satire” disclaimer. I don’t live in Louisiana so I believed it originated from a local TV station site (it certainly looks like one) and with news stories like this one:
    Read that, It comes off looking quite factual. It deals with a topic that was well known for many many centuries before McDetroit’s.


  5. It says as much about America today as it does about us that we immediately took it for a true story. The line between this fake story and other bona fide ones is too thin for comfort.

    So, to some extent, the exercise was still relevant to this website’s mission.


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